How I Descovered Who I Am
Ever since I was a child, I always knew there was something different about me. I was extra sensitive to how people felt, and I seemed to connect with adults on their level where most children just don’t. I was always told I was “13 going on 30”. For a period of my life I actually questioned how old I really was. I felt like an older soul in a young body.
I felt like I didn’t belong. Like I was an alien life form, stuck on a planet full of people, however I always felt alone. I didn’t understand my emotions, only that I had them, and I was ALL OVER the emotional spectrum. I often wondered if something was wrong with me, was I bipolar? No one else I knew acted this way!
I also felt a lot of guilt growing up. Especially when I didn’t conform to everyone else’s ideas that they had about me. I felt like a constant disappointment, I started so many things only to get overwhelmed and quit everything. Even the things I did enjoy, I would never finish. I was so sensitive to criticism, that I no longer believed in myself.
I always knew that I wanted to help and work with people. I just couldn’t imagine what that would possibly look like. I tried on a lot of majors in school. Only to change it, again and again. I thought that this indecisiveness came from me, but it was because I was afraid of choosing the wrong thing and letting other people down. I decided to become a dental hygienist, because I knew I could work with people, and hopefully make a difference. Dental hygiene school was a few of the most difficult years of my life, and I even came close to quitting that. However I stuck it out and pushed through. My life went through some major shifts while I was in school and then after, I had gotten married my first year, and then later pregnant into my second year. I had my son a few weeks after graduation, and within six months was filing for divorce!
After working for a few years in the field, I realized that the job satisfaction I desired was not there. I needed something more mentally stimulating! I decided to go back to school full time to pursue a degree in Psychology, I managed to earn a 4.0 GPA while working full time and being a single mom to a 3 year old. I love learning about the brain, brain wave states, and consciousness!
I decided to stay in the field of dental hygiene when I was offered a better paying position that was closer to my family. I was determined to keep learning about psychology in my spare time. This eventually lead me to finding out what an Empath was, and discovering a whole new world about energy, neuropsychology, and quantum physics.
Que in Human Design. Two years ago I was a part of a Facebook group dedicated to Empathic people and their energetic gifts. One of the members of the group was learning how to read Human Design charts and asked everyone in the group to post their chart. I had NO IDEA what a Human Design chart even was. So when I looked mine up I saw the mandala and instantly became intrigued. She was commenting on other people’s charts but not mine, and I wanted to know what mine meant!
For a little while I forgot all about it. Until one of my friends started to dive into it and began sharing some resources with me. I decided I wanted to buy a book. So I got this book, and began to dive in. Every little discovery was like “WOW! That’s so me!” It was eye opening how something like this chart could be so dead on about who I am. That’s when it clicked. I started to see patterns where the conditioning took place. I looked up the charts of my parents, siblings, my son, and boyfriend. It made sense of all the dynamics in my relationships to each one of them.
I finally felt like I had the permission I needed to be me!